Would-Be Suspects

yo.........FUCK SPRINT!!!

you bastards, stop calling my house

What I would give to choke out a Sprint customer service rep...



For a second, i wasn't even sure that i should post this......in the slight chance that i bump into someone who is a sprint csr.......and kill him/her. Then somehow this is used against me as evidence in court.

That is how fuckin pissed i am!!!

ever since going to 12 hour shifts, my sleep schedule has been bananas. i don't know when to sleep, force myself to stay up, or nap. so i've been going with the "whatever my body feels like doing" defense. unfortunately, the results have been bonkers.
example: work 13-14 hours x 4 days in a row = only 5-6 hours of sleep in between shifts. on the last day, after working out, i come home & start sleep at 11am.....woke up at 6pm, but still exhausted. go back to sleep till 11:30 pm. wake back up and chill to 3 am, pass out to wake up at 7am. choose to take a nap at 10 am, end up waking up at 5 pm. pass out at midnite, wake up at 3 am. sleep at 7am till 10am. and here i am....WTF? what kind of sick circadian rhythm am i falling into? although i only have to work 3 days/week, i almost count it as 4 b/c of the day almost entirely devoted to sleep. i need a solution to this madness.
damn, i think i need a spliff to make sense of all this.

while in shanghai, me and my sis ran up this laid back lounge. jazz band was on stage working the background sounds. the guy on sax was sweatin himself hard, trying to do his own off-the-beat thing....unholy like The Monk who is forever the king. unimpressive, but in the company of people with no jazz recollection. i silently shook my head, "surely this set ain't winning no deserved affection." as he continued to blow.....and sho 'nuff, he blew. saw this fine shorty in the back, somehow connected to the crew. set up mics and create space, putting every dude on lean. pray she ain't his girl, or the random groupie on the scene. or worst off, a groupie with a role like a tamborine. eventually found myself with my second glass of beam, contemplating who she was or what she means. suggesting to bounce, i let out a sigh. retire so early for my only night in shanghai? nah, cause when i return to the states, they're gonna work my bones till they grind. and i'm gonna play this night out a little more before i resign. well......uh, the only prospects that come to mind, were these other booty clubs that remind me of N Y. except the thugs and guidos are replaced with off-beat foreigners that try, over-zealous/unconsented play from behind. well, as sickening as it is to witness it, my thirst and wallet conspired to get another drink to sip. but as my right foot angled to the door to step, a rimshot rang through the air and caught my breath.....

wuttup b. ah, a new year. will it be spectacular? will it be different? hmm....probably not. but i got a feeling that the status quo will be continued.....at an extreme level. that's right, bad news for the middle east, the horn of africa, and even more records to be broken climate wise. shit, we gotta be shattering records on how many 100, 500, 1000 year events that occurred in the past half decade alone.
but i'm sure al gore already told you that. by the way, that was a good documentary.....good, but not great on my account. the facts alone are staggering.....and i'm sure that would've shocked enough people. but when he threw in some of his life stories, and little personal tangents, i couldn't help but feel that he was playing to the audience just a tad bit too much. and why not, thats what politicians do. and despite what the public thinks of his political career, i could tell that he's planning ahead. we're not talking about '08.....oh no no, this cat is spearheading a campaign for '16! thats right bitches....my man is patient! shit, with a boring ass voice like that, you gots to have patience.....i'm sure he just wishes that his audience has half the patience he has to pay attention to those god-awful monotone speeches. and if you think about it, he's got a lot going his way. i'm sure in the next few years, the number of environmentalists will grow, even reaching hippie generation-type numbers; with each passing natural catastrophe, his cause only gets stronger; and by '16, he'll even have the evangelicals on his side (with all that god's green earth talk). thats right.....i'm calling it, gore is running for president in '16! (give or take a term or two). in fact, i might even go far out on a limb and even say that he won't run for the democrats.....say it ain't so, a green party candidate that might draw > 5% ?!

ah, so once again i've failed to keep my promise of frequent posting.....oh well.

the trip to beijing/shanghai/hong kong was all gravy.....except for my damn non-mandarin/cantonese speaking ass. trying to speak cantonese is just a losing battle.....and thats extra sad cause i know more cantonese than mandarin. i coulda swore that after my last trip to hong kong, i pledged to learn at least some conversational cantonese....oh well.

but the trip made me realize a bunch of things.....one of them being that chinese bathrooms are the grimiest places! although hong kong has improved since the last time i was there, the mere thought of having to take a shit anywhere but someone's house or a four star hotel is terrifying. the fear all started in january 2000....while taking the subway on our way to dinner. sadly enough, i couldn't hold out that long. i ran up into a public bathroom and got in a stall. all i see is a stream of running water.....nothing else. well, actually, there was shit lining the stream (sloppy bastards!)....so you better not slip when you about to let one out and find yourself in a dookie surprise. so as i squatted, first i thanked god i brought some of my own toilet paper.....than i cursed at him once i realized the stall i was in, was at the end of the direction of flow. so i'd see turds just float on by as i'm about to squeeze one out. and trying to avoid stepping on shit and simultaneously shitting on top of travelling shit isn't a fun game to play. its just shitty. suffice to say, i was happy this past trip didn't make me relive that memory. actually, it makes me miss america more.....if theres one thing america does properly, its shitting. (besides, we do it on other countries all the time) i'd go as far to say that we are the gold seal on international lavatories.

so for the 4 nights in beijing, we did all the touristy stuff....i guess its good to do that once in your life. but next time, i definitely have to travel with my own personal translator....and get to see the real beijing and shanghai. shame is i only got to stay in shanghai one night. and although we went out to a few clubs, it didn't live up to the expectations i had for it.
but the real fun was in hong kong, where i got to meet up with fam from europe and the states. and my cousin who lives in hong kong, whose on some man next to the man who's next to the man shit, is doing pretty good. he's got his own studio where he does photography (the model list is off the hook), editing of movies/documentaries/commercials. and his partner is the cat that was in kung fu hustle....the leader of the ax gang (you know, with the grimy teeth and who leads that little dance). by the way, that dude looks just like bruce lee.....and in fact, he's gonna be working on a movie about bruce soon. and my cousin, who isn't that great looking and kinda vertically challenged, got the dopest fiancee. well, first off, she's a model (damn is she tall), but also a makeup artist for movies (i.e. special effects, etc.) and everytime they posed for a picture together, it was like she was bending over to pick up a child. but its all good, cause its a testament to his game.....and he took us out to the flyest clubs in hong kong. he told me that this one club has lots of models that frequent it, and he was on point. i had to have seen something like 20 certifiable models that were there.....6 foot bitties everywhere. (and my sister said they had the dopest bathroom stalls in the history of clubbing....she took a picture; i was impressed. besides the techno and house music, it was poppin. and on top of that, they had postings of jazzy jeff spinning in december.....i haven't heard much of his recent shit, but that would've been ill. anyway, you couldn't even tell it was a club in hong kong....there were just as many foreigners (actually probably more) then chinese. and the whole area of bars and clubs had the same ratio.

so that was my trip in a nutshell....here are a few pics:

my god....sometimes cenile patients are fun and entertaining. and sometimes, you have a few of them. and very rarely, do they decide to gang up on you all at the same time....which is actually entertaining at first, but then fucking crazy.
very abbreviated summary: episode 1:
room 4: x 20+
me: can i help you with something?
room4: i can't sleep!
me: would you want me to order you a sleeping pill?
room4: no! i don't wanna be doped up! i'm no damn druggie!
me: well, what can i do to help you?
room4: i can't sleep!
me: yeah, but what would you like?
room4: make me sleep!
(offer blankets, pillows, reposition, everything under the god's sun, etc)
room4: all i know is that i'm sick, and i need to get some rest!!!
me: ok, but if you work yourself up like this, its only gonna get harder. try to count some sheep
room4: don't get fresh with me!
me: ok....would you like me to hypnotize you?
room4: oh, you're gonna get it tomorrow young man!
me: alright...you know what helps me sleep sometimes?
room4: what?
me: i put a pillow over my face.....
room4: do you know who i am?! wah!!!
me: i could apply some pressure if you'd like
(on and on like this for 20 min, then when i had enough...)
room4: hey, where'd you put my call bell?!
me: its over your left shoulder
room4: no its not!!!
me: i mean your other left shoulder
(call bell mysteriously misplaced....within reach, but would take some time for her to find)

then i had a lady in another room who's so damn confused, that she climbs into bed with her roommate. apparently she thought her roomie was her mother. and that poor roommate, another confused patient that's nonverbal couldn't even say anything to stop her. and this lady is so close to the brink of death, that she has a permanent look of fear on her face.....i believe mostly at the prospect of death being at the foot of her bed; now displaying an even more scared look b/c of this episode, starts moaning non-stop. thank god the end of shift was near.

man, what a sign of my degraded physical shape. i just recently started playing basketball again in an effort to start getting back to shape, and on my first day back last wednesday, i fucked up my back somehow. i don't even know how it happened, but all of a sudden, as i was running down the court, every step i took with my right foot, i had a shooting pain in my lower back. i sat out for a game and when i came back, it felt fine. but later on that night.....my god, i couldn't even bend down to pick up the dog (speaking of, i just added a new icon for the first time in a while). but damn, how the hell did i go from 25 to feeling like 55?

in a world full of disaster, war, and escalating tension, it is a fucking miracle some of the shit that gets on the news nowadays. i understand that the weight of all of the tragedies on any given day can get tedious and, well, bring anyone down. but have we gotten so far from reality, that we've damn near created a fantasy world? yo, we've lowered the threshold of intelligence so far down, it's now like the high jump at the special olympics.

the media has to back the fuck away from meaningless news. at the top of the list...celebrity gossip. are people so damn bored with their own lives that they gotta know the ins and outs of who's the next cat to fuck jennifer aniston? if it ain't me, then i don't give a fuck. and why is it that half the people they hype up don't even deserve an ounce of spotlight to begin with?! like britney spears....THE BITCH CAN'T SING!! hell, if trailer trash gossip sells so damn nice, i'm about to head down to the pine barrens with my camera and get busy. shit, at least they spit out more babies with way more baby daddies. how the fuck does shit like the national inquirer even have the credentials to lay beside the nytimes at a newstand? i mean, really now; its like they're trying to intentionally piss off anyone with half a brain. yahoo news: "which celebrities look good on high definition?"....kiss my dick!

second on the list may get some people angry. but the news has to quit with this overreporting of white females getting kidnapped shit. cause everyone knows when a white girl's missing, there's all types of up to the minute updates/amber alerts/day counts of the tiniest fucking developments in the case. and a lot of the times, its because the bitch did some stupid ass shit some normal person had enough sense not to do. how many in the past few years alone? runaway bride bitch, bitch in aruba, elizabeth not-so-smart bitch, that jon benet ramsey bitch which for some reason they still talk about. its like white women have to learn to evolve to not do stupid shit that will get their ass in trouble. and what is behind this phenomenon? when a black/latino/asian woman or girl is missing/killed, i only really hear about it in local news. that shit never makes the national headlines. are they saying a white woman's life is more valuable than any other's? (i mean, most of them can't even cook....ok, that was mean, i'm sorry)

on a semi-related topic, the same must go for whatever the president has to say. how many times do i listen to excerpts of his speech and want to choke a nearby republican? and at the same time, make me feel ashamed that i live in a country that elected such a dumb ass? only something as ignorant as quoting george bush can have such a far-reaching effect. i seriously get more intellect and insight from reading the nutritional facts on a bottle of water than i do from hearing his hick voice attempting to read off a prepared speech properly. the only people who have more grief than me has to be his speech-writers. i could imagine them sitting in a circle pondering which words to substitute, as to not risk a mispronunciation. stick to two syllable words boys....only two. and listening to him respond to questions without a prepared answer is just a sitcom waiting to happen.

the last thing actually hurts me to say it....but the news has to stop putting so much weight in sports news. all of the steroid/drug scandals in the world shouldn't even come close to the amount of news coverage that should be given to the number of civilian deaths that our tax money has helped cause in iraq, afghanistan, and well, all over the world really. why did i grow up admiring a piss-ant like mark mcgwire rather than someone who actually made a difference in the world?

the sad thing is that i know why things are the way they are. distractions....they're simply distractions. to keep your mind off of whatever it should be on. its really just a part of the jack-move. like any type of quick hustle, like a 3-card monty game on the street for example....something is always in the works to distract you for that split second when you take your eyes off of what you should be paying attention on. then bam!....you're assed out. except the jack-move of any society is always the same....to keep the upper echelons of power in place and in tact. and looking at my paycheck, they sure jack a lot of money out of that thing. and when i READ the news, i see where it goes.

god damn...what a difference a new laptop makes. well that, and dsl....finafuckinglly!! my god, i literally feel like a caveman that just stepped out, encountering civilization at my cavern-step. me with my loin-cloth oohing and aahing at an oversized white cotton tee (there's still too much of that in my area). and i know i've said this before (under this screen name and another), but i'm gonna start updating this bitch thoroughly. esp now that i got the ways and means....brand new macbook, brand new connection - oh its on.

so what the fuck has been new? well, i'm sure by now no one that i used to know is up on this except me, which is pretty liberating....so i could spell out everything to my heart's content without inadvertently pissing on someone's shoes. and especially some of the shit i gotta let out....whoooeeeee, some shit i just gotta get off of my chest that i can't even really tell a living soul. but anonymous cybersouls will be all good....even if its just big brother monitoring key phrases and such. oh by the way, fuck bush/cheney and all their neo-con imperialist friends (that shit will never change).

anyways, i've been on the new career for over 6 months now and things are going aiight. good dough, good benefits, the non-prospect of having the same fucking routine over and over until you just wanna shake the shit out of someone. nope, no more of that office slavery for me. technically, i don't really wanna expose what i do, well, cause i wanna keep shit separated (for numerous reasons). but everyday is a new day for me. meet new people everytime, with the exception of a few cohorts which i'm all cool with. however, i got beef with the hours i work....all odd as hell and shit. ever since working this, i've lost like 10 lbs just from not being able to go to the gym. i mean, provided that i'm a lot leaner and more chiseled (at least thats what i'd like to believe), i wanna build some more mass on me. at the height of my weight, i was 177...skinny still, but sorta beefy on a 6 foot frame (well as beefy as a typical skinny asian dude can get). now i'm down to 164 and just using some freeweights at home, which is aiight, but damn sure ain't no substitution for a gym....but enough of that monotonous shit. there's too much to catch up on....and so much damn drama to report!!! oh my god the drama!!! yo, i can't even get into this shit now cause i gotta sleep. sorry, but crazy ex stories require a posting all unto itself. but yo, it feels good to be back. peace and hair grease

so i received some unfortunate news this past week. looks like the whole move to DC is off. my boy decided to take some law school in texas over georgetown. i feel his point...$60K/yr is a lot for tuition and you can't be trying to work while doing that program part-time. but still, i was amped about the move. well, it was probably more about getting out of jersey and having my own place. on top of that, i woulda saved a nice amount of money having a roommate, and he was the prime candidate for friends that would be co-livable.
but maybe its a blessing in disguise...maybe shit woulda gone sour between us. for one thing, that cat got a pretty bad case of BO/halitosis. that was one of my big concerns about moving in with him...i might've eventually wrestled that cat down and dunk him in a vat of listerine. and at the same time, i can't front...there's mad biz to be taken care of at home. trying to fix the house up before selling it; saving up a good amount of dough before i move out; taking care of the puppy and figuring who he'll live with; helping my mom find a new place, etc. but damn, its like am i ever getting outta this place?

recently i've been having a bunch of dreams where i'd actually realize that i was in a dream. in my whole lifetime, i could probably count the total of these types of dreams with my fingers and toes. but in the past week, i've been having absurd back to back dreams and even wake up in between them.
but once i actually realize i'm in a dream and could dictate shit, its good and bad. first off, when i say good...i mean good as hell. i feel like an ope-head rolling around a field of poppies. and the first thing i conjure up once self-actualization happens is always sex. the second i realize it...BAM! grab a nearby titty, knock a shorty down, get the grind on. but in my dream, i realize theres a catch-22. and this is the bad part...once i start hittin it, i almost always wake up instantly (very rarely does it play out; and i'm not sure if i ever came in my dreams yet). so a few nights ago, i self-actualized, and then caught myself as i was about to feast on this girl walking by. i thought 'if i start fucking this girl, i'd only get a little bit of pleasure before waking up...what if i took it slowly?' so instead of grabbing the tit, i slowly caressed it, and meticulously started to undress her. to which she responded, 'what the fuck are you doing?' i was like 'hold up! you're in MY dream! how the hell you gonna talk to me like that' then i couldn't help it, i whipped the dick out and started to bang...then poof! woke up with the penis rising like a phoenix...damn.

1) digital camera
2) new turntables (no more pre-owned)
3) new computer
4) equipment for heist(s)
5) shitkicker with a stickshift
6) new battery/timing belt for existing whip
7) 1 9, 1 45...one must be hechler & koch
8) crank radio
9) nytimes subscription
10) art supplies

i thought we were more connected than that, or at least because of the history between us (which is truly just that...history), we'd be above this shit. but somehow, this girl has been playin these childish games. after we broke up, we decided to stay friends cause we got along like that. the friendship morphed into one with benefits, which got deaded and then restarted when i had a girlfriend and then broke up with. but during the whole time, i thought we were still cool...or at the very least real with each other.
then one time we were hanging out last summer and then she confessed that she was going out with someone for a couple of months. but the whole time i was chillin with her during that timeframe, she didn't mention a thing. and then she even told me that i smoked with the kid after they broke up, without even me knowing. so i'm like, 'why couldn't you tell me' which she responded that she thought i'd beat him down or something. but that makes no sense at all to me...i'm not the jealous type like that, if anything i'd just cancel the benefits part of our friendship. but i realize she came to that conclusion because thats how she'd react (and almost did) if she met a girlfriend of mine. then she added how the kid was insanely jealous of me when they were dating. so if anything, she put me in a position where i coulda been snuck. 'oh, but you would've been able to handle yourself, he wouldn't have.' does that make any fuckin sense? the bugged out part is that i think i mighta slept with her during their relationship.
so after that, i decided to start limiting my contact with her because of that incident and just general non-truths, lying by omittances, etc. then the rest can be summed up by this:

hEATb0t: so how's life
hEATb0t: i feel like i have no idea about you anymore
hEATb0t: are you seeing anyone?
Mrtisdaironlung: well, you haven't been keeping in touch
hEATb0t: neither have you
Mrtisdaironlung: hey, i've done my part
hEATb0t: as have i
Mrtisdaironlung: oh please
hEATb0t: you always throw it on me of like "call me if you want to chill" so i dont because i figure you don't want to
Mrtisdaironlung: remember when you were all sayin last fall that we should chill
Mrtisdaironlung: then i said ok, lets go check out that movie 'memoirs of a geisha'
Mrtisdaironlung: but then you flipped it on me like, oh my boyfriend wouldn't like that
hEATb0t: i remember one time seeing you, after not seeing you for three months, and we hung out for like 45 inutes, went to sanctuary... then you came and bought pot and thats the last i've seen of you
Mrtisdaironlung: man, point is, you've been shady
hEATb0t: no, but you asking to go see a movie with me sounds like a date. and i did not flip out but said legitimately my boyfriend probably would not like that
hEATb0t: i've been shady?
Mrtisdaironlung: its not a date....i told you straight up it wasn't. and i knew you wanted to see the movie cause you liked the book...hell, i wasn't even gonna buy you popcorn. and i didn't even know you had a boyfriend at the time, so its not like an unreasonable request.
Mrtisdaironlung: i didn't say you flipped out, i meant to say you flipped it 180 degrees
hEATb0t: ugh
hEATb0t: i dunno
hEATb0t: it sucks
Mrtisdaironlung: point is, you were pushing to hang out...then i said fine, and then that happened
hEATb0t: i would like to see you
Mrtisdaironlung: if he minds us chillin catching a movie, i'm sure he'll mind us hanging out at all.....thats what i figure
hEATb0t: i wasn't pushing it, and you saying i was pushing it makes it sound like i'm the only one that wants to hang out
hEATb0t: but like you are a person i care about
Mrtisdaironlung: so then i put the ball in your court
Mrtisdaironlung: well yeah, i care about you too....which really bugged me how you've been mad shady about shit
hEATb0t: i don't think i've been shady. back in september or whatever when we saw each other and went to sanctuary
hEATb0t: i asked you if you were seeing anyone
hEATb0t: and you ddin't ask me, so i didn't tell you i was
hEATb0t: ugh
Mrtisdaironlung: oh please....come on now
Mrtisdaironlung: thats what i'm talking about....i thought we were cooler than that
hEATb0t: oh please what
hEATb0t: i thought you would've asked
Mrtisdaironlung: than to play childish games like that
hEATb0t: i didn't want to rub your face in anyting
Mrtisdaironlung: if i had a girlfriend, i'd tell you straight up....not play games like ask you first, then wait till you ask me
hEATb0t: whatever man
Mrtisdaironlung: yeah, but in a way, that is rubbing it in my face
hEATb0t: t
hEATb0t: you're one of the best people i've known
hEATb0t: i would still like to know you
Mrtisdaironlung: man, i've been put off with your shady dealings
hEATb0t: well i guess that's too bad.
hEATb0t: its up to you
hEATb0t: we were so important to each other once
hEATb0t: and now we are strangers

and that we are....i just don't know whether we should stay that way. esp since i have the tendency to burn bridges easily....i dunno, i'll play it by ear.

damn, back to work all over again...what a grim prospect. but the funds are too low and i need to start saving up for D.C. and stuff for the apartment. i kinda feel like ed norton in fight club...as if i'm turning into this consumer whore, or as i'd rather call it, venture apartmentalist. yep, me and ikea are forming a nice bond. i was even thinking about calling the home shopping network for this dope wool rug, but realized that my eye was once again turning bigger than my wallet. but all that will come to an end soon cause i got an interview this week with the health system where i externed at last year. and now that i think the puppy is 80% house broken (he still has accidents every so often), i could actually work for long shifts and leave that brotha in his crate. although he'll be bored as hell, i should only be working for 3 days out of the week (while making major cake...awww peach shnap!). so time to face the music, i guess i've been putting this off too long anyway.

earlier tonight me and a friend went to coconuts (50 fuji cd-r's for 2.99?...oh, hell yeah) and happened to bump into a couple old classmates. one of my old buddies became an army ranger and is home for a little while before heading out to his 2nd tour of iraq. we talked for only about 15 minutes or so but i could tell that the cat kinda changed. not so much overtly, but you could detect it underneath the surface. we used to always chill in gym, german, and some honors classes. but when i seen him today, its hard to describe, but it seemed like a sort of change in his demeanor. i couldn't quite put a finger on it, but i could tell that the change wasn't for the better.
the other cat was nicky j (well, thats his official showname...why, i don't know; sounds too much like he's the unknown 6th backstreet boy). we played together on the basketball team in high school and will bump into each other every now and then on local courts. he actually is doing real well in the underground as an up and coming rapper. i knew that he's been puttin in a lot of work and doing mad shows across the area, but today he dropped the ill bombshell on me. yo, this cat has lately been working with dj premier! DJ PREMIER son!!! who just got his own label and is tailoring a beat for him. he was tellin me he got to chill in D&D studios for hours just drinkin, smokin, and bullshittin. i mean premier and D&D are like two of the biggest icons of nyc hip hop...and hanging with one of the illest producers of all-time in one of the most historic studios is like every hip hop fans dream. so keep an eye out for nicky j...but by then, hopefully he'd have changed his name.

up late studying for the boards. and my whole sleeping schedule is fucked up cause i know i can't wake up on time to get to nyc by 8:30 am, so i might as well nap at night and stay up.
they say to practice for the exam you should do at least a few thousand review questions...i only got 650 done. but somehow i still feel confident. i wonder if its due to my non-smoking for the past month. (but i can't front, i'd hit the bliddy once or twice when its passed around...but only once a week) and next week i'm gonna finally cruise some hospitals to look for a job which i've been kinda putting off b/c of the prospect of a drug test.
on another note, i've noticed that my mood has been overall better this past winter. i normally get into a pretty big depression and i thought it might hit extra hard this season because its my first winter in a few years w/out a girlfriend to comfort me. but maybe its been due to the abnormal warmness this past season...thanks global warming. but that just means a brutal-ass summer is gonna punish us. and i'm a sweater too...i be sweating @ 80 degrees, even if i was just eating. and lord, when i ball, jog, or well, do any type of physical activity, i start sweating like michael jackson at a little league game. at least i don't have the B.O. though...thanks to the chinese genes. (one of these days i'ma gonna prove that theory holds true)
although i've been feeling less depressed this past season, i can't help but notice the pessimism thats been pervading my thoughts. almost as if there's no true happiness out there for me. for example, after last semester was over, i had a nice vacation planned out...cruise and a mini-vacation in florida afterwards. and overall it was good times...i got to chill with one of my best friends along with one of his friends (who was actually kind of a downer) but leading up to the trip, almost all i wanted to get accomplished was to hook up with someone on the ship. then when it actually happened, which i have no complaints about, there was the initial relief of stress/anxiety...like a lot of weight was lifted off my shoulders. but after the cruise was over, i realized that it was more like weight lifted off my balls. during the florida part of the trip, i felt kinda empty. its like someone who keeps telling you how good a movie is, then when you see it, there was so much built up that the movie would never meet your expectations. thats when i started to realize that the shit is meaningless. maybe its the closeness, those intimate moments that you could only truly share with someone you were really into...thats what i was looking for, what i miss. but thats where the pessimism really hits me up...i'm not sure i could ever find a girl that could really fulfill what i long for. i mean physical is one thing (and usually the easiest criterion to please), but its everything else that has me believing that i might as well be single for the rest of my days. for instance, i'm the type of guy that always goes against the grain...i could never be a mainstream-type cat; i root for the underdog; i enjoy the littlest things about a person...all the intangibles thats even hard to explain to my own boys. like when they talk about a girl, its like "she got this dope ass" or "she got this switch in her walk." and although thats all good, what i lust for is deeper than that...shit you find out about a person along the way. like how she looks you in the eyes when you're nose to nose or the type of silly pillow talk you have after you've just made love...those are the moments i'm trying to find. problem is i try to find them like they're preshrinked items sitting on a shelf...like i'm too short on patience, or i'm quick to rule someone out because of some small facet about her.
i dunno...sometimes i feel god's playing tricks on me. like after my first serious relationship ended, i actually made a silent prayer for a girlfriend that fit this particular template (beautiful, fit, successful, along with other physical criteria not important now). and a month later, i met this shorty that fit all of that. boy, i was happy as hell and ended up going with her for over a year. but then slowly it dawned on me that i wasn't really in love with her. i didn't have those true shared moments that i was looking for...there was no real connection. i mean, its as if things looked perfect on paper, but my inside was like 'this ain't it, keep movin.' and from then on, everything seemed so artificial and fake, as if i was with her just because it was better than being alone. so i eventually broke it off, and the initial fears of whether it was a mistake never materialized...it was one of the best moves i ever made.
so now i've spent a good amount of time by myself and got to renew the idea of what i'm looking for. someone said 'in the search for love, you'll find everything you hate'...along with some other puppy dog, ice cream shit. but hey, at least i can say that i'm learning.

well alright alright now. reading, watching, and listening to the news is quite interesting...and damn frustrating (i guess ignorance really is bliss). it also occurred to me that there are a lot of jerkoffs out there, and unfortunately, its those people who run shit. so accordingly, i must give them the title of, and address them as Batty Boys (pronounced baht-ee...as for the actual meaning, consult your nearest jamaican friend). they could be young or old, black or white, gay or straight, jew or gentile, male or female (including both or unidentifiable, kinda like janet reno), etc. but the main thing is they did a dick move to earn them this title. so onto my first entry.

my first entry is a real gem. he's been in the upper echelons of governmental influence for the past 30+ years, serving ("honorably") under president nixon and onwards. but never in such a role that he has had since the new millenium. he is donald rumsfeld. ah, yes...don't be fooled by his H&R Block representative-like appearance, or his whimsical tangents during questions at white house press conferences that leave reporters giggling like japanese school girls then eventually asking themselves "wait, did he answer my question?...ah, what does it matter, i have a sound byte."...this muhfucka is a snake. and deservedly earns my first official title of Batty Boy of the Week.
you might be asking me, well, why this week...isn't he a batty boy for life? i wouldn't even be surprised if somewhere along the way, he stole money from his parents and blamed it on the babysitter...generating false intelligence reports along the way, but thats neither here nor there.
well, he is batty boy for this week for something he actually did at the end of last week (how hypocritical of me, i know). while speaking at a conference, he likened venezualan president hugo chavez to adolf hitler: "he's a person who was elected legally, just as adolf hitler was elected legally, and consolidated power." ah, right rummy...its all so clear now, we must stop this crazy fucker now!! my god...if the only link to compare someone to hitler is his fault for being democratically elected, even johnny cochrane is rolling over in his grave saying, "oh boy, you're reaching." in fact, if being elected president is hitlerish, i might have to go on a limb here and ask the question, isn't bush also? (well, except for the democratically elected part) i mean at least he's also white...you know, kinda like hitler. damn, already he has chavez beat in this race!
so it is my pleasure to announce secretary of defense donald rumsfeld my first, and so far only, Batty Boy of the Week.
P.S. this sure as hell doesn't disqualify him for future entitlement...and i have a funny feeling he'll be back.

From NYTimes:

The playwright Harold Pinter turned his Nobel Prize acceptance speech on Wednesday into a furious howl of outrage against American foreign policy, saying that the United States had not only lied to justify waging war against Iraq but had also "supported and in many cases engendered every right-wing military dictatorship" in the last 50 years.

"The crimes of the United States have been systematic, constant, vicious, remorseless, but very few people have actually talked about them," Mr. Pinter said. "You have to hand it to America. It has exercised a quite clinical manipulation of power worldwide while masquerading as a force for universal good. It's a brilliant, even witty, highly successful act of hypnosis...I put to you that the United States is without doubt the greatest show on the road," he said. "Brutal, indifferent, scornful and ruthless it may be, but it is also very clever. As a salesman it is out on its own and its most saleable commodity is self-love."

...He returned to the theme of language as an obscurer of reality, saying that American leaders use it to anesthetize the public. "It's a scintillating stratagem," Mr. Pinter said. "Language is actually employed to keep thought at bay. The words 'the American people' provide a truly voluptuous cushion of reassurance. You don't need to think. Just lie back on the cushion. The cushion may be suffocating your intelligence and your critical faculties but it's very comfortable."

bravo sir pinter....bravo

so earlier today i was getting my study on (actually i still am, just taking a break)...and as usual, i start off good but then i always eventually get off track and start thinking about stupid shit. but even as i'm daydreaming, i do a really good job of actually putting off an appearance like i'm studying...i should get some credit for that right?
but anyway, out of nowhere, i was thinking about my game. and when i say game, i mean me kickin it to some shorty, which is in actuality....just bullshitting. cause thats all it really is. finding bullshit conversation that somehow on this earth is stimulating enough to buy time until the two do what they've been dying to do...bumpin uglies. but somehow this bullshitting has become a ritual, and increasingly less of it is anywhere near meaningful. and in that, i mean you're not really finding shit about who someone really is...hell, you gotta hang out with someone for at least a month before you even figure what they're about. therefore, one must be comfortable with this art of bullshitting, cultivate it, and use it for the good of humanity.
i might be sounding a little pessimistic...you might be asking me, "well, who knows...maybe you'll find the right kinda girl that stimulates your mind, that is intelligent, and not in just that booksmart kinda way. maybe you don't have to bullshit at all.".....shyeeet.
i been there...done tried that. and don't get me wrong, i prolly got more of a romantic in me than the average cat...in fact, i know i do. but in reality, 90% of the girls that i kicked it to (on a successful note) or ended up hooking up with, was all about the art of bullshitting. who knows why and for what reason, but thats the way it is.
you know how it is...we've all done it. its kinda like that fake personality you put on and parade around the office all day and if you were ever to let that personality out around your friends, they'd probably spit on their hand and smack you.
but i'm getting off track...so today i was thinkin about my game, and how long its been since that shit's been activated. let me shed some background info: first off, i'm 24 y.o.(25 by the end of this month) and am currently a student (in hopefully my last semester). and the reason my game has been so inactive, is actually by choice. i broke up with my ex around the beginning of summer (we went out for a year)...and i wasn't trying to rush into a relationship of any kind. up until that point, i've been tied up for 32 of the past 33 months, spread out across different relationships...including 2 long termers. and when i got out of the last one, i decided to go for self...fuck the hassle of having a girlfriend...its a lot of damn responsibility. i needed some time to just relax, handle my business, finish this last semester off and i'll be set. so now its almost the end of the semester...i've stayed relatively focused on what i set out to do. i have enjoyed my time alone, got to be comfortable with being without a girlfriend, and all that good shit. but now, my time is almost done, time to turn the game up. and god damn...i am horny as fucking hell. i ain't get laid since july! i've been taking pussy for granted...getting it almost everyday for so long, and now my dick has been drier than iraq. and don't get me wrong, it ain't all about the sex...its that sense of intimacy, closeness. squeezin up on someone, all that good stuff...damn, i miss it.
so anyway, the semester ends this thursday and me and a couple of friends are going on a cruise next week. and by god, i needs to get some lovin while i'm there. this whole semester i've been laid back, not caring about any of that...but i gotta admit, i'd be disappointed if i can't meet someone on this trip.
so as i was saying, earlier today as i was daydreaming, i realize that my game might be rusty. i ain't kick it in so long, i damn near forgot all the fundamentals. so today i decided to practice...just to see where i stand. i was talkin with this girl that goes to my school and out of nowhere, i decide to have her be experiment A. boy, i felt like i was in high school all over again.
damn, back to studying...i spent too much time on this thing.